Penny Phang - How well do you communicate in a relationship?

HOW WELL DO YOU COMMUNICATE IN A RELATIONSHIP?
(select an image for a closer view)

My centerpiece present at a wedding

No matter how different we are from one another, or how different we are in the way we choose to deal with life, we all share one common goal—we want to be happy! Think about it...everything we think, say or do is ultimately to experience some form of happiness—bliss, contentment, joy, pleasure, satisfaction. In a relationship, you and your partner probably want to feel the kind of happiness that love and respect can bring. Some of you may know just how to maintain happiness in a relationship, however, I know there are a majority of you who are having a very difficult time with this. Let's look into what we can do right now to change things around for you!

The lovely wedding couple

One of the keys to a happy relationship is communication—not the kind that seems obvious to most of you, but the kind that nurtures your love for one another and shows your respect for each other. The kind of communication I'm referring to requires you to do what could be considered difficult for most people. It has to do with open, honest communication. But the key here is to do it without pride and ego; to consistently communicate kindly with your partner—not only in good times, but in bad.

Time for some drinks!

Communicating kindly to each other in good times and in bad is a significant aspect of a relationship that can literally make the relationship, or break it. Most of the time a failing relationship is usually due to lack of communication or ineffective communication. Let's face it, it's much easier to speak nicely when you're happy or comfortable. It's easier to be kind and understanding when things are going your way. But the question is, how do you communicate with your partner when times are rough, when there are obstacles to overcome, and things aren't going your way? Do you remain respectful, kind, understanding and open, or do you lose all composure, get defensive, let pride and ego get in the way and try to fight to be right? You see, what ultimately defines you or your relationship is not only how you communicate at times of comfort and convenience, but also how you communicate at times of challenge and controversy.

Dinner at Blowfish with my wonderful Russell—Russell rocks! :)

It's a whole other topic if you feel you're with the wrong partner and you want to get out of the relationship. However, if you're with someone whom you want to maintain a happy relationship with, you must communicate openly without pride and ego in the equation. Dropping your pride and ego for each other while communicating can be the best thing you can do for yourself and your relationship. Think about how you like to be spoken to, and speak to your partner in that manner. With pride and ego out of the way, you'll have more energy to focus on kind thoughts, and form your sentences to reflect the love you feel. How you use your words can set the tone of the conversation, which can lead the conversation in a positive or a negative direction. So it's so important to be conscientious of the words you choose and how you form those words together. You don't need to sound perfect—good grammar doesn't count when it comes to love. Just speak from your heart, and what you truly want to say will flow.

Goofing around with my precious girls

I'm going to create a situation here to show you the difference between a healthy and a not-so-healthy conversation. Let's say one of the couple in the relationship wants to talk about something that's bugging her, but her partner feels frustrated because he's heard it before. Allow me to share a quick example to show you what it sounds like when a couple is communicating in a negative tone—letting their pride and ego into the equation:

"I don't understand you. You don't make any sense."
"I would appreciate it if you would just listen more, then maybe you'll understand me!"
"I always listen, but you always bring up the same thing. I'm tired of this conversation!"
"Does it ever occur to you that this conversation repeats itself because we haven't resolved the problem? You keep saying, let's move on—let's change the subject!"
"Yeah, let's change subject cause this conversation isn't going anywhere!"
"That's not fair. My feelings are still hurt...don't you care?"
"Oh yeah, how do you think I feel?"

At the CN Tower in Toronto (not Sears Tower, Russ!)

Do you see how the negative tone here can lead to further misunderstanding or arguments? This type of communication completely knocks the couple off track from being on the same page, and takes them away from their common goal—to be happy.

Now, let me share another example (using the same situation above) to show you what it sounds like when a couple is communicating in a positive tone—dropping pride and ego from the equation and speaking from the heart:

"I know you've brought this up before so it must be important to you. Take your time and tell me your concern. I want to understand you better."
"I really appreciate that you care and want to understand. I'll do my best to explain what it is I'm feeling so we can resolve this together and move on from here."
"I must admit this is not my favorite conversation, but I'll do my best to listen because I really care about you."
"Thank you for sharing your thoughts. You must really care about us to sit through this conversation again. I really appreciate that about you. Let's move on from this and talk about something else. What do you say?"

Can you hear the distinct tone difference between the two dialogues? Which one do you think contributes to a happy relationship?

Taking our own picture...cheese...lol

Learn to acknowledge your partner when he or she does or says something you appreciate. Don't always assume they know you appreciate them. Try to be respectful of your partner's feelings even when yours are hurt. If you're about to suggest something you feel your partner won't agree with, tell them nicely, and then ask them how they feel about it. Even if you feel you're not at fault, let them have a chance to share their view. When it's your partner's turn to speak, be patient and listen, even if you feel you have much more to say. Don't be ready to react, or eager to attack. Be more in control of yourself, and treat your partner the way you want to be treated. Don't worry about whether you're going to get back what you put in—at least, not yet. Model the communication you seek, and give your partner a chance to reciprocate.

At the top of the CN Tower

While in a relationship, you're bound to have some kind of nagging feelings at one time or another. The key is to communicate these feelings with your partner before they grow too big and become more difficult to resolve. So instead of trying to be polite in the short term and keeping your feelings to yourself, it would serve you better to be upfront and honest about them and save your relationship in the long term.

Nat, I look like you here, isn't that weird??

Just as you deserve to be happy, your partner deserves the same. Bottom line, your partner is someone you chose to spend your time with, or share your life with. If you've made this choice, why would you want to let pride and ego get in the way and make life difficult for you? If both of you make a conscious effort together, to drop pride and ego from your communication with each other, you would have so much more kindness to offer. You won't have to be afraid to share both your positive and negative feelings and thoughts with each other. Letting your partner know about your feelings and still enjoying their support and care is the essence of a successful relationship.

To be in a relationship is to be on the same team—the same page. You should be in it to do nothing less than to give to each other, be your best for one another, inspire each other to be better and ultimately enhance each other's lives. Allowing the day-to-day challenges of life to be the reason you don't have the time or energy to nurture your relationship is never a good excuse—this is essentially the same as taking your relationship for granted.

Riding off into the sunset...(actually, going to Starbucks for a Latte)

Every time you communicate with your partner, whatever your mood, good or bad, make a conscious effort to communicate kindly. Share how or what you feel, and allow your partner to do the same—challenge yourself not to react or attack. Make a conscious effort to gift each other the gift of loving communication—the kind that leaves no room for pride and ego to get in the way. Be this way for each other, and this will be one of the best gifts you can offer one another. Don't waste your time being upset with what happened in the past, don't get carried away with worrisome thoughts of what may or may not occur in the future. Just focus on the present! Focus on what you can do right now, this very moment, to make your life together a beautiful gift to each other. Remember—the past is history, the future a mystery, but the present is a gift, which is why it's called the present.

Penny Phang

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